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November 2008 - spirit

Okay, so maybe this is the life, the parents, the family, the personality I chose in order to play out my karma, in order to walk the spiritual path I need to walk so I can evolve into a more enlightened being. My angst, representing everything that feels less than what I want, including at times, the desire to be a completely different person (or maybe the same person with different circumstances), is the impetus for me to grow as a spiritual being. I am reading Autobiography of a Yogi. I picked it up because I had to learn the Jose Feliciano tune, Affirmation for my piano class and in a youtube recording, he explains that the tune came out of reading that book. The book makes a strong case for living a spiritual life, connected to an overarching love-god-universe and not to the human desires, needs, comforts that consume the average human life. Not to say we should live in a cave and meditate all day, but rather that most of the things we aspire to acquire as human beings will not bring us happiness in a spiritual sort of way, which is all there really is. I subscribe to this philosophy in theory and as I read the book slowly but surely, I wonder when I will change my day-to-day ways to match my spiritual beliefs. Perhaps, imperceptibly, they are changing.

For my spirit's evolution, I wish to stay in (but not dwell on) all that my heart experiences, including the unpleasantry, long enough to hear its message. I wish to connect with other people who share my beliefs and are trying to live in a similar way. I also wish to appreciate (but not dwell on) every experience that makes me "unhappy", every relationship that I wish or choose to "end" because it's "not working out" or challenges me in a way I prefer not to have to deal with. It's not that I revel in the darkness and difficulties, but rather that I want to honour everything that appears in my life, because I do know from experience that whatever I don't "allow in" so that I can move through it, will reappear in the next relationship, or town, or experience of living.

This insight has all come to me courtesy of a recent conversation with my mother, who is I believe, one of my greatest opportunites to learn about love.

October 2008 - joni's house

I had a vivid dream last night where I was in Joni Mitchell's house and everyone there was either playing or listening to her music. She walked in at one point and seemed delighted at what was going on. Then, the house turned into a monastery and I was devoting my life to something, I'm not sure what, though I suppose it was music. I talked to my sister on the phone last night. She lives what I consider to be a "normal" life for a woman with children, a fulfilling and challenging full-time job and a husband. She's a spectacular cook. I know there's nothing wrong with the artistic lifestyle I lead with no family of my own (except my dog) and devoted to writing and playing music. Being a woman wtihout children is a bit of an oxymoron in my mind sometimes. The unusualness of it all keeps life interesting.

September 2008 - love's emphatic 'end'

In retrospect, I was rather cavalier about the whole thing.
Love, I thought, would prevail, no matter what.
As it turns out, the ‘what’ matters.
Early on, love was convincing, if not sturdy.
Two people are ultimately two people.
I want this. You want that. He does this. She says that.
In the chasm, there is a stormy sea, and love exists
only because there is a desire to navigate the choppy waters.
The glassy calm did not intend to deceive.
As love twists and turns through the lazy days of romance, its truth is revealed.
The lack of it is not a failure.
Its durability is not a given.
Its presence at any point in time is a miracle.
Its 'end' is more of a beginning.

August 2008 - nick died

A friend, Nick Francis died yesterday. He had just come through surgery to remove the cancer in his leg. He was recovering well, but he got a virus. It's hard to believe how fast someone can just go. When I heard about his cancer, we exchanged emails. I was putting off returning his latest one. Now it's just sitting in my inbox, the last connection I have to him. Nick and his partner Carolyn were at all the forest land review meetings on Galiano, where the community still has a say in how their forest land will be developed. They were very outspoken. Nick said, ultimately he had to stop going to meetings because he was very emotional and his anger would get the best of him. I had to stop going for the same reason. My best to you Nick, wherever you're off to next.

July 2008 - c.d. is coming

Time flies. The recording is done for my c.d. Now to the artwork and the actual manufacturing. Then to marketing, promotion, gigging, becoming rich and famous. Okay, except for the last one, things are moving along as they should. Recording a c.d. is not your everyday event. Initially it seemed so simple, so natural, like a good idea. The studio experience with both my producers, Rob and Winston was amazing. The tracks sound great. I needed to have real guts to make this happen. Now it's just a matter of letting it take on a life of its own. Okay, I'm letting go.

June 2008 - the mastery

Just back from the workshop of a lifetime - The Mastery. The purpose of the weekend for me was to identify, expose and chip away at all the things that stop me from being comfortable onstage. Ughh !! I was given an assignment for the weekend. I was asked to sing to people every time I wanted to speak. Just sing, sing, sing. And I did. It was transforming. We went early morning to early morning, one challenge after another. Many opportunities to get up and tell the truth and discover what honest self expression can feel like. Wow !! Larry Gilman and his clan of Mastery support people are amazing. Can't think of a better way to spend a weekend.

June 2008 - twisty turns

It is a twisty journey for me right now with some serious hairpin turns. I am leaving the city, finally, after all my (has it been) years of complaining (expressing). I have been thinking alot about "place" since I got back from India. Where do I "belong", if there is such a concept? Sometimes it's easier to know where I don't belong, or at least where I can't tolerate living. Some places, like some people, bring out the worst in me. I behave like a completely different person. I don't even recognize myself. Over the past 3 years, since I moved part-time to Galiano, I have become less and less sociable and social. It has been a private, personal time to let myself feel the reality of my living. It has been very good, even if it hasn't felt good. But, I am so relieved to be leaving what doesn't feel good for a place and situation that has me enthusiastic and joyful. Off to the Kootenays I go, all starry-eyed and in love. Many scary turns to navigate, no doubt, no fear. Just optimism. It almost reminds me of being a kid again. That can only be good.

May 2008 - vessels shaped like doves

She knew there would be hell to pay if she ignored her dreams,
especially the voice she heard one night that told her to
vow to live out her unlived years in vessels shaped like doves.
What was she supposed to do with that information?
How in heaven’s name was she to know what her life was for?

And this was not just any life.
It was a life laced with a sensitivity that lurked in mad empty holes
waiting for her next unsuspecting step.

And now she could hardly bare the day to day of her own street.
Couldn’t even smile at the friendly salesclerk.
Wanted only to smell white lilacs and let sloppy dogs lick her face.
And, when she walked in the forest, brisk and silent,
she would stop and build fortresses out of twigs to protect the wild lilies.
The eagle would fly before her and land perfectly on a tall fir
and she would listen, taking in a sight she believed
was ordained by the sky, which she knew was her friend.

Where should she go? And with whom and for what?
Where might a dove shaped vessel take her?

And, what if her unbeaten path was never really her own
and her voice had barely risen above a whisper?
Still, she vowed to live out her unlived years in vessels shaped like doves.

March 2008 - the rain

The rain is pelting down really hard tonight in the city, ... the sound reminds me of the windstorms on Galiano.

One night about a year ago, I was living on the north end of the island, pretty secluded and I didn't really worry about being hurt in any way, but the windstorm was throwing the trees around pretty good and that night I had a dream that the house crashed down the hill. I had the same dream two nights in a row and I thought it was a sign, but I didn't think it was literal. My life was crashing in and I was trying to figure out how to survive, ... that was why I went to Galiano. I saved myself by going there ... I was thinking about anti-depressants back then, though I knew I wouldn't take them. I proved to myself that if I followed my heart (which said to leave the city) I could figure out how to get through anything.

That was when this intense feeling of loneliness came to the surface, but it shifted and I learned to enjoy being alone and not feel it as loneliness ...

I'm back in the city alot more now, wondering what am I doing here? My soul wants to be in the country, but for practical reasons I am here. I haven't been able to find a place to live here, and I think it's because I won't be staying long. I can't live full time on Galiano either, because I need to play music with people.

I'm in a pretty good limbo right now and if I would just let myself, I could really enjoy it.

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